Friday, 7 December 2012
Crazy for Christmas lights!
I love a string of fairy lights, or a string of coloured lights, and a house absolutely pulsating with festive bulbs - yay!
Sunday, 21 October 2012
Too late to apologise?
I have an unusual invitation on my hall table - it's an invitation to an apology.
I've never received an invitation to an apology before, have you?
Apologies are usually not formally announced, with a guest list drawn up and an 'after party' (or should that be wake?) planned.
This week I will go and sit in Queen's Hall at the Victorian Parliament and listen to a powerful white man apologise for the mistakes of previously powerful white men, and I'm not sure what to expect.
The apology is for the government's past practices surrounding forced adoption. About frickin' time.
I was adopted in the midst of the 'baby scoop era', and I have no clue as to whether I was willingly, thoughtfully surrendered (perish the thought) or whether my 17 year old mother was forced by immense societal pressure, a mother who valued the opinions of others more than having a relationship with her own grandchild, by a lack of resources to enable her to bring me up, or by shame and desperation I can't imagine, to relinquish a child she probably never even got to see, let alone hold. Either way... well, words fail me.
I cannot imagine being a young woman who had her baby coldly, violently removed from her four decades ago, preparing for this day - I do expect that there will be some empty chairs of those who just cannot bring themselves to attend. My heart aches for those women.
I do expect there to be anger and tears and that no matter what is said, some will find it all too little, too late - and who could blame them? I hope for a sense of healing, at least the first hope for the hope of healing these decades old wounds.
Being adopted is challenging - it is more complex that I think it is reasonable to expect anyone not touched by adoption to understand. For me, it is sometimes the ultimate clash of internal forces - profound loss, rejection, gratitude and devastation often occur simultaneously. Not every day, thank goodness, but at times, it is overwhelming. I am grateful for the steps I have been able to take to assimilate this reality into my sense of self.
And to those who say 'just get over it' - respectfully I say, piss off. You are not helping and your inability to even attempt to walk a mile in the shoes of another is just sad.
To the friends I have who will respond compassionately to whatever my response is - I thank you in advance.
To those who I can't share this with, I'm sorry. It's just not possible, at least at this point in time.
So if you know someone, love someone, remember someone who has been touched by adoption, think of them with extra kindness this week. They may need a shoulder to cry on, or just someone to take the time to see them, to see their pain and anguish and loss and hope, and to say, I see you and I am truly sorry this happened to you.
For Andrea.
I've never received an invitation to an apology before, have you?
Apologies are usually not formally announced, with a guest list drawn up and an 'after party' (or should that be wake?) planned.
This week I will go and sit in Queen's Hall at the Victorian Parliament and listen to a powerful white man apologise for the mistakes of previously powerful white men, and I'm not sure what to expect.
The apology is for the government's past practices surrounding forced adoption. About frickin' time.
I was adopted in the midst of the 'baby scoop era', and I have no clue as to whether I was willingly, thoughtfully surrendered (perish the thought) or whether my 17 year old mother was forced by immense societal pressure, a mother who valued the opinions of others more than having a relationship with her own grandchild, by a lack of resources to enable her to bring me up, or by shame and desperation I can't imagine, to relinquish a child she probably never even got to see, let alone hold. Either way... well, words fail me.
I cannot imagine being a young woman who had her baby coldly, violently removed from her four decades ago, preparing for this day - I do expect that there will be some empty chairs of those who just cannot bring themselves to attend. My heart aches for those women.
I do expect there to be anger and tears and that no matter what is said, some will find it all too little, too late - and who could blame them? I hope for a sense of healing, at least the first hope for the hope of healing these decades old wounds.
Being adopted is challenging - it is more complex that I think it is reasonable to expect anyone not touched by adoption to understand. For me, it is sometimes the ultimate clash of internal forces - profound loss, rejection, gratitude and devastation often occur simultaneously. Not every day, thank goodness, but at times, it is overwhelming. I am grateful for the steps I have been able to take to assimilate this reality into my sense of self.
And to those who say 'just get over it' - respectfully I say, piss off. You are not helping and your inability to even attempt to walk a mile in the shoes of another is just sad.
To the friends I have who will respond compassionately to whatever my response is - I thank you in advance.
To those who I can't share this with, I'm sorry. It's just not possible, at least at this point in time.
So if you know someone, love someone, remember someone who has been touched by adoption, think of them with extra kindness this week. They may need a shoulder to cry on, or just someone to take the time to see them, to see their pain and anguish and loss and hope, and to say, I see you and I am truly sorry this happened to you.
For Andrea.
Sunday, 7 October 2012
Post-match review
It has been a pretty stressful couple of weeks, not my preferred state of being. Stuff will always frustrate me in life, that's no revelation, but it has been really hard to keep going without the way I felt spilling out and staining the people around me. Not nice, for them, or for me. The fact that I felt 'justified' in my aggro has no bearing on how I mishandled it. I let it get the better of me and that sucked for everyone around me. Yuk. I was part of the problem, not the solution, simple as that.
This week it came to a head and strong words were spoken, which left me reeling, and sobbing (I know it's hard to believe - me, crying?!). But that's not the point. The good that came from it is.
After I had stopped bursting into tears, which took several hours, I took some time to think about what was said, what I did wrong, how I could do better and what I could take from the experience. I sorted through what mattered and what I could let go and I decided to address one particular thing that troubled me. I even wrote myself a little script to stay focused!
The next day I initiated a conversation with one of the peeps in the previous day's discussion, and with a bit of to and fro, I worked out what I'd heard wasn't what was said, and I was able to explain that what he'd heard wasn't what I'd said - ah the art of clear communication.... I am so glad there was an opportunity to go back and fix that part of it.
Misunderstanding others (or being misunderstood) has been going on since the dawn of time. No matter how clear we think we're being, when things get heated, and/or emotional, there's no way to know that the person you're talking to (or at), can understand you or vice versa.
Some people in this world love argy-bargy and get a hard-on from being argumentative or provocative - I 100% hate that. I hate it when people are angry with me, and I am completely undone when I discover something I've done has been the scource of people's frustrations or disappointment. I never want to have a debate or argument as sport, ever. Just to be clear, never, EVER.
So a period that had some awfully deep lows, ended up in a day of peace and productivity and laughter and kind words. I am so frickin' grateful for that! And I learned some good lessons into the bargain.
Progress, yay me!
There's something really powerful about going back to the table, and though I admit I don't go back to every 'table' in my life (I'm most definitely a work in progress and in some instances a completely disinterested party in any kind of table read) I'm really glad I went back to the one that was set before me this week. I came away from the second table feeling full - full of hope that I can do better, and be better, and full of relief that I was given the chance to speak my piece, in peace.
And yesterday I got to drive up and down the nearby hills and see this beautiful sight.
Peace xx
This week it came to a head and strong words were spoken, which left me reeling, and sobbing (I know it's hard to believe - me, crying?!). But that's not the point. The good that came from it is.
After I had stopped bursting into tears, which took several hours, I took some time to think about what was said, what I did wrong, how I could do better and what I could take from the experience. I sorted through what mattered and what I could let go and I decided to address one particular thing that troubled me. I even wrote myself a little script to stay focused!
The next day I initiated a conversation with one of the peeps in the previous day's discussion, and with a bit of to and fro, I worked out what I'd heard wasn't what was said, and I was able to explain that what he'd heard wasn't what I'd said - ah the art of clear communication.... I am so glad there was an opportunity to go back and fix that part of it.
Misunderstanding others (or being misunderstood) has been going on since the dawn of time. No matter how clear we think we're being, when things get heated, and/or emotional, there's no way to know that the person you're talking to (or at), can understand you or vice versa.
Some people in this world love argy-bargy and get a hard-on from being argumentative or provocative - I 100% hate that. I hate it when people are angry with me, and I am completely undone when I discover something I've done has been the scource of people's frustrations or disappointment. I never want to have a debate or argument as sport, ever. Just to be clear, never, EVER.
So a period that had some awfully deep lows, ended up in a day of peace and productivity and laughter and kind words. I am so frickin' grateful for that! And I learned some good lessons into the bargain.
Progress, yay me!
There's something really powerful about going back to the table, and though I admit I don't go back to every 'table' in my life (I'm most definitely a work in progress and in some instances a completely disinterested party in any kind of table read) I'm really glad I went back to the one that was set before me this week. I came away from the second table feeling full - full of hope that I can do better, and be better, and full of relief that I was given the chance to speak my piece, in peace.
And yesterday I got to drive up and down the nearby hills and see this beautiful sight.
Peace xx
Friday, 21 September 2012
Friday I'm in love...
Things I love about today, which happens to be a Friday:
Sitting around the table with the people I work with, talking about what we do, what the company's values are, what's next. The big picture.
Listening to my bosses talk about this company they have poured passion, heart, soul, sweat and innumerable hours into was so inspiring.
Loved that.
Also loved that we ate and drank together, shared stories, laughed and got to enjoy each other's company. So happy to be part of a committed, diverse, fun, smart group of people.
And then after work, I met my amazing friend Sue for dinner, wine and great conversation, so good to share my life with her.
So today, Friday, is totes lovely - and tomorrow I will be in the same room as Grand Designs guru Kevin - OMG! Love that!!!!!
A x
Sitting around the table with the people I work with, talking about what we do, what the company's values are, what's next. The big picture.
Listening to my bosses talk about this company they have poured passion, heart, soul, sweat and innumerable hours into was so inspiring.
Loved that.
Also loved that we ate and drank together, shared stories, laughed and got to enjoy each other's company. So happy to be part of a committed, diverse, fun, smart group of people.
And then after work, I met my amazing friend Sue for dinner, wine and great conversation, so good to share my life with her.
So today, Friday, is totes lovely - and tomorrow I will be in the same room as Grand Designs guru Kevin - OMG! Love that!!!!!
A x
Tuesday, 18 September 2012
The long and winding road.....
Ever found yourself divulging more than you expected? Yep, me too.
Tears, again. At work, again. Audible groan (yours, and mine), oh not again..... thankfully I have a lovely boss who copes well with my inarticulate stumblings about whatever 'moment' I'm having. (In my own defence, I had no clue that point A would lead to point 'overshare' today. Truly.)
Something is definitely going on with me... and I can't work it out.
As I attempted to talk and write my way through what's going on, I've stumbled upon a new phrase, 'believer gene'. I think I have this gene and it's a bit lost and confused lately.
I used to believe passionately, to the death, in God (in the shape of a social activist UC model, followed by a fiery Pentecostal season, followed by a stint as a mega-church going pseudo Baptist, followed by a season in Bible College, which sadly is often the final chapter in such stories).
I ardently followed that path for years, and it was in many ways, very, very good and healing and powerful for me. There is no denying that my time in that world shaped me, and I am deeply grateful for that. Being a believer gave me a sense of belonging, purpose, and acceptance. Powerful, necessary forces in life, especially for a wounded soul.
So, fast forward to 2012 and though I can't fully articulate it in a blog post (or at all), let's just say I'm not ardent anymore, except againt some of the excesses that I believe were encouraged, expected and even demanded of me as a good soldier of the cross. (Yes, I'm overstating and being simplistic, but it's my blog, feel free to stop reading at any time.)
So what do people who don't have what I would perhaps condescendingly call 'a belief system' live for... their families, partners, children, their contributions to bettering the world (many of which far exceed those who are the 'salt of the earth').... again I don't know. I'm sure there are some who don't think like this at all, they just get up everyday and get on with it. What a luxury/curse that would be!
And what does a post-christian (I'm sure that term exists in postmodernist christian hipster literature) do to shape the way they live? Dunno. It's a curly one, that's for sure, especially with a 'believer gene' looking for a new place to... nope, I don't have enough scientific language to finish that metaphor.. you know, do whatever genes do.
I don't have answers, but I do have questions, and tears, aplenty lately. And if I put myself in the apre 'belief system' camp (in a religious sense), which I feel kind of duty bound to do as someone who 'was but is no longer ' (see what I did there with a bit of a play on the dynamics of the kingdom of God?) then how shall I live?
Tears break: I just got a text from someone I work with - they noticed I was quiet today and decided to check in. I believe in THAT! I believe in kindness and being mindful of those around us and being part of a team.
Anyway, no answers will be forthcoming in this post - sorry to disappoint on that front. I just felt like committing some of these thoughts to the keyboard tonight, in the hope that I'll somehow feel less lonely in the endeavour... as I contemplate what I think, believe and feel, I hope to share the journey with compassionate souls who will perhaps see a little of our shared humanity in these ramblings.
What I do know is that it isn't over yet, and I have hope that it can be better, and less dehydrating than it was today!
Be kind to each other, and yourselves : )
*all thoughts herein are unfinished and the sole responsibility of the author
Tears, again. At work, again. Audible groan (yours, and mine), oh not again..... thankfully I have a lovely boss who copes well with my inarticulate stumblings about whatever 'moment' I'm having. (In my own defence, I had no clue that point A would lead to point 'overshare' today. Truly.)
Something is definitely going on with me... and I can't work it out.
As I attempted to talk and write my way through what's going on, I've stumbled upon a new phrase, 'believer gene'. I think I have this gene and it's a bit lost and confused lately.
I used to believe passionately, to the death, in God (in the shape of a social activist UC model, followed by a fiery Pentecostal season, followed by a stint as a mega-church going pseudo Baptist, followed by a season in Bible College, which sadly is often the final chapter in such stories).
I ardently followed that path for years, and it was in many ways, very, very good and healing and powerful for me. There is no denying that my time in that world shaped me, and I am deeply grateful for that. Being a believer gave me a sense of belonging, purpose, and acceptance. Powerful, necessary forces in life, especially for a wounded soul.
So, fast forward to 2012 and though I can't fully articulate it in a blog post (or at all), let's just say I'm not ardent anymore, except againt some of the excesses that I believe were encouraged, expected and even demanded of me as a good soldier of the cross. (Yes, I'm overstating and being simplistic, but it's my blog, feel free to stop reading at any time.)
So what do people who don't have what I would perhaps condescendingly call 'a belief system' live for... their families, partners, children, their contributions to bettering the world (many of which far exceed those who are the 'salt of the earth').... again I don't know. I'm sure there are some who don't think like this at all, they just get up everyday and get on with it. What a luxury/curse that would be!
And what does a post-christian (I'm sure that term exists in postmodernist christian hipster literature) do to shape the way they live? Dunno. It's a curly one, that's for sure, especially with a 'believer gene' looking for a new place to... nope, I don't have enough scientific language to finish that metaphor.. you know, do whatever genes do.
I don't have answers, but I do have questions, and tears, aplenty lately. And if I put myself in the apre 'belief system' camp (in a religious sense), which I feel kind of duty bound to do as someone who 'was but is no longer ' (see what I did there with a bit of a play on the dynamics of the kingdom of God?) then how shall I live?
Tears break: I just got a text from someone I work with - they noticed I was quiet today and decided to check in. I believe in THAT! I believe in kindness and being mindful of those around us and being part of a team.
Anyway, no answers will be forthcoming in this post - sorry to disappoint on that front. I just felt like committing some of these thoughts to the keyboard tonight, in the hope that I'll somehow feel less lonely in the endeavour... as I contemplate what I think, believe and feel, I hope to share the journey with compassionate souls who will perhaps see a little of our shared humanity in these ramblings.
What I do know is that it isn't over yet, and I have hope that it can be better, and less dehydrating than it was today!
Be kind to each other, and yourselves : )
*all thoughts herein are unfinished and the sole responsibility of the author
Friday, 31 August 2012
Road Clouds
So beautiful! If you keep your eyes peeled, even being stuck in traffic can make you smile.
Happy weekend everyone.
Happy weekend everyone.
Saturday, 25 August 2012
Return to Daylesford
Lunch today was at Du Fermier in Trentham. The food and wine were really, really good, and the service was friendly, informed and relaxed. That makes such a difference - an everyday ordinary thing, or a special thing like lunch with good friends, can be taken to another level by having people around you that are enjoying what they're doing. I didn't get the name of the guy that served us today, but he was great. Thanks guy! (I want to be that guy in my realm.)
I'm having a weekend away with a good friend of mine. We've done this trip before, Daylesford is an easy drive from home, and we'll spend time hanging out at our amazing accommodation, wandering around the shops, visiting old haunts, avoiding overrated tourist traps, eating great food... generally having a jolly good time.
As the mist settled over the township this evening, I was struck by how special it is to be ensconsed somewhere cosy and quiet. Good to be away from home for a few days, good to have a friend to come away with, good to just be and recharge the batteries.
The drive up was easy, my 'mixed tape' (I can't bring myself to use 'playlist' yet) made the time pass quickly and it was great to see suburbia disappearing in the rear vision mirror and the hills opening up before me.
I'm not a girl with a passport, so I know I don't have a leg to stand on comparitively speaking, but Victoria ROCKS! An hour and a half from thriving Melbs, I'm in a gorgeous house in a beautiful country town, my friend Sue is cooking a risotto, we're listening to music.... I know that in France, South America and Spain, there are people having their own versions of a weekend away in a cosy regional hamlet, but I really love being right here, right now!
Funny to think that just five days ago I was a having a meltdown and feeling super stressed - life's funny like that, some days you just want to tear your hair out and punch someone in the head, and then you regroup and life's sweet again.
The moral of the story - wherever you are, whatever's going on, it isn't the end (in most cases). If the week is horrendous, like it was for one of the lovely shop owners we chatted to today, it will probably pass and improve, if the days are sweet, then drink that in, it can carry you through dark days that may be ahead.
I love this life of mine. I appreciate it, I'm thankful for what's behind and what's ahead, and most of all I'm thankful for right now. 6.44pm on 25 August 2012 - this is a good moment.
Time for a glass of wine.
Cheers,
Annette x
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