Today I'm feeling challenged by a sometimes problematic quality I possess - my pride.
I reckon if I took a step I truly DO NOT want to take, it may have a positive outcome for me. Then again, it might blow up in my face or have absolutely no positive impact. (It would certainly have a good outcome for me internally, but that isn't enough to make me do it thus far.) The act of wilfully humbling myself is one I have yet to perfect. I really hope I'm not alone in that.
I've been trying to just ignore that little niggle: Goes a bit like this:
Psst, psst hey you, prideful bozo that you sometimes can be, just suck it up and take that step.
Me: Gosh, it's a nice day, I should do some laundry or watch another 4 hours of TV.
PSST, you there, girl that hates to admit she handled something badly, maybe re-assess that situation.
Me: Um, hello, would you mind BUGGERING OFF! No way Jose!
And so it goes, back and forth, increasingly annoyingly.
In a way, I almost hate to admit I was wrong more than I hate being wrong in the first place. Not to myself, that I can swallow (bitter pill that it is), it's just when that requires letting someone else in on my faux pas, ugh, system failure. And when I don't like the person, don't expect them to respond graciously, quadruple ugh, total system self-destruct immminent.
The most annoying thing is that if the little voice speaks up in the midst of a meltdown, I can usually summon the will to make a U-turn and apologise. I actually like it when this happens, as it proves the heart of stone I sometimes possess is not a forgone state of being. I quite like peace with others.
But when my pride manages to keep that little voice quiet initially, and allows the sting of the situation to fade, when it has grown a scab and sunk to the bottom of my consciousness, that's a different thing. Oh, and if I feel 'justified' watch out!
Not sure what I'll do yet. Just wanted to register the inner dialogue. One of the problems with having a genuine desire to be somewhat self-aware is that you can't avoid the bad stuff that lives alongside the good.
Bugger.
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